Where oh where can Aunt Flo be?

Aunt Flo is not late, but this month it would be helpful if she would visit just a tad early. Like this weekend would be good. As soon as my cycle starts this month, I am to call the agency to give them a heads up. My medical screening has to be performed 5-14 days after the first day of my period. In order to stay on track with my goals of having the screening done within the next two weeks and matched by mid-July, I need AF to come visit NOW!!

I wasn't expecting this go to so quickly, just cause how things have been in the past, but I actually already received my first Intended Parent's profile--yay!! I am really excited about it, but nothing can happen until I am cleared (again) and ready to go!!

Come on Aunt Flo---LET'S DO THIS!!!! I soooo deserve this part to fly by.

So what's next you ask?

I will be getting a call from my new agency on Monday. Even though they originally said that I could transfer all of my medical/psych screenings over from the previous agency, it is more than likely that I will be screened again, at the doctor's request. So I'm thinking Monday we will be scheduling all of that stuff. Piece of cake compared to the madness that we experienced in the last four months.

My goal: To be re-screened and cleared within the next 2 weeks. Matched with new Intended Parents by mid-July.

I told you I was hitting the ground running!!

HTLV And How It Affected My Surrogacy Journey

I am now able to share with you exactly why I was "let go" by my Intended Parent's Reproductive Endocrinologist; why I lost the Intended Parents that I was previously matched with; why I had to switch agencies; and what I've been dealing with for the past (almost) four months now. Here is my story.

When starting this surrogacy journey in early 2010, I really had no clue what I was getting myself in to. I did a bunch of research on surrogacy before signing with an agency, but there are things that can come up that nobody can be prepared for. I was so nervous about my medical screening, I didn't even give it a second thought about my husbands screening. It never crossed my mind that something could be wrong with my husbands test results. Especially after my results came back perfect! I thought for sure we'd be ready to sign those contracts as soon as I was cleared for take off. Boy, was I so unprepared for what hit us next.

In February, my husband's medical screening results came back positive for a very rare retro-virus called HTLV. HTLV stands for Human T-Lymphotrophic Virus. Scary name right?!!? Well, right in deed! As soon as I got word of this virus, I immediately logged onto the internet and Googled HTLV. My heart broke into a million pieces as I read about this nasty, potentially life threatening virus. The retro-virus HTLV causes T-cell Leukemia and T-cell Lymphoma in adults. Areas of the world that are endemic to the HTLV-1 virus are the Caribbean, Japan, Africa, Middle East, South America, and Melanesia. Not the United States. So, you can imagine how terribly scared and freaked out my husband and I were (not to mention why I wasn't able to spill the beans on my blog about why I lost my IPs). I was told by both the agency that I was working with and the RE's nurse that they often see false positives with this test, and that they were going to further test by performing a test called the Western Blot. Not to panic just yet and lets wait for the second, more in depth test results to come in. Well, back to the lab my husband went to have more blood drawn. I had high hopes that the first test was a false positive--I mean it had to be. If my husband truly had this virus, I would have tested positive for it--it is sexually transmitted. I tested negative for HTLV, so there is no way that my husband had the virus. No way. It had to be a false positive and the Western Blot was going to give us more answers.

Another two weeks had gone by while we were waiting on the results of the Western Blot.  We were informed by the RE's nurse that the results are back and now reading "undetermined". At this point, the doctor is no longer willing to work with me as a surrogate and has asked the intended parents to look in to getting another surro. What the heck!?!? I had done countless hours of research on this nasty virus, and I had come across even further testing that can be performed when the Western Blot comes back uninterpreted--not readable. This third test is called HTLV by RIPA, and only the California State Department of Health can perform this test for us (since we live in CA). I begged and pleaded for this doctor to order the third test. I even said that we would pay for it out of our own pocket--just write the script so we could have it done! My agency begged and pleaded for the doctor to give it one more shot, but he was having none of it. He had made up his mind. No advise to us, but to have my husband seek an infectious disease specialist. Thank you and goodbye--door slammed in our face...or so that's what it felt like. I was devastated. Heart broken for my surrogacy journey that was cut short, and scared out of my mind for the life of my husband. So many emotions. So much confusion. So much heartache. I was now un-matched and no longer able to work with the agency until we could prove that my husband was negative for HTLV. We needed that third test performed!! But how?

I made an appointment for my husband to see his primary care physician. We didn't know where else to start, so we figured we might as well start from the bottom. When at the doctor's office, my husband asked her if she'd ever dealt with HTLV cases before. Her response, "Only one other time, and it happened to also be another surrogate's husband....he eventually tested negative". I thought that was very interesting to say the least. Anyhow, she retested my husband using the Western Blot (the 2nd test), and once again, "undetermined". HTLV is so rare in the US, and not many doctors know how to deal with it. All the doctor could tell us was to retest in a month. Another flippin' month of waiting!!! I couldn't take it anymore. Something had to be done. There had to be other options.

I know I have mentioned it before, but I am sooo very thankful for the surrogate support group that I am a part of. With all of my confusions and frustrations regarding my husband's results, I reached out to my surro-sisters and one of them was able to get me in with her agency, Growing Generations. Growing Generations agreed to work with me and see that my husband's HTLV issue was tested further. They took us under their wings and sent my husband to a doctor who ordered the necessary test that needed to be performed--HTLV by RIPA. On April 14th he had his blood drawn for this test. This was it. This test was going to give us a definite yes or no. This test would ultimately change our future--for the good, or for the bad. We will have our answer and I prayed every night that it was the answer that we wanted--A big fat negative!!!

Fast forward to today, almost four months after we first received news about my husband testing positive for HTLV; Four months of our life waiting in limbo; Four months of not knowing what our future holds; Four months of torture. I received a call this morning that my husband is NEGATIVE!!!! I knew in my heart all along that he was negative. I just knew it. I fought hard for what I believed in. I pushed forward and persevered. We concurred this madness. I didn't give up and we succeed. My husband is 100% negative for HTLV and I am now moving forward with my journey in becoming a gestational surrogate.

Move outta my way, people!!! This Momma is hitting the ground running to help another couple's dream come true of having a baby.

To help you understand what HTLV is:

What is HTLV - CLICK HERE

FAQs about HTLV - CLICK HERE

Long Beach PRIDE Festival

I attended Long Beach PRIDE this past weekend--my first time ever--and it was a blast!! I was determined to make a shirt that was surrogacy related and when I reached out to my surro-sisters, one of them had an extra shirt from her trip to SF PRIDE last year and she was more than happy to pass it down to me. 

MY UTERUS IS AN ALLY

Dont mind the droopy eyes....i was going off of 4.5 hours of sleep the night before!

Many people at PRIDE liked my shirt....and a few even asked "What does My Uterus is an ALLEY mean?". Oh boy people!! If my uterus was an alley, i'd be in big trouble. My uterus is in fact an ALLY--I am working on becoming a gestational surrogate for a gay couple--thus myself and my uterus being an ALLY. :)

I had an amazing time supporting the community, my mother, sister, and friends at the PRIDE festival. Here are a few of my favorite photo opps of the day!

I proudly support
My friend of 20yrs, Randy~~My Mom~~My Sister

My friend Randy and his husband, John

My sister and her girlfriend

Enough said.

I am determined to become a gestational surrogate for a gay couple. Whether it be my first journey or my second (my heart is set on two surrogacy journeys)....I will help a gay couple bring a child into this world.

And as one of my surro-sister's, Kelly, at Just the Stork once said---
 "I promise I will fight for your rights until the day I die."

Update

It's been requested that I give an update, so here it is.

I have no update.

BOOO I know! I hate that I don't have anything good to post but, it is what it is, so I'm dealing with it.

I will leave you with this picture though. I was at the beach the other day flying kites with my kids and I stumbled across this lil guy. It immediately got my attention and the thought of "Anything is possible" came to mind and reminded me very much of what I am going through right now in this surrogacy journey. This lil guy is me, breaking through the sand, blossoming into something so beautiful. What ever my future holds with surrogacy, it is going to be beautiful and I can not wait.

Another step closer

I picked up some of my OB records this morning (Long story short, I am working with a new agency so I have had to start all over). These records were from my sons birth in 2005. I haven't been into that OB/GYN office since my six week postpartum checkup. It definitely brought back great memories being in there, that's for sure. As I got back to my car, I pulled out the records to take a quick peek. A quick peek turned into 15-20 minutes of reminiscing. It was neat to see all of the doctors notes from each office visit when I was pregnant with my first child. It gave me a whole bunch of warm and fuzzies.

I thought I'd leave you with a few pictures of my Son, who will be 6 years old next month. Man, where does the time go?

 Welcome to the world my sweet, sweet child.

May 26th, 2005

7lbs. 15oz. 

21 Inches Long

And here is my Boy now. Such a handsome lil guy. This picture was taken this past Christmas. I can not believe he's already in Kindergarten, loosing his baby teeth, and soon turning six years old!

The Fight.

It has been almost a year since I started digging, whole-heartedly, in to this lovely world of Surrogacy. I can tell you one thing - I never thought in a million years I would be where I am at today. This whole "waiting game" is getting the best of me. I watch as some of my surrogate girlfriends are being matched up with Intended Parents; receiving their "golden box" of meds in the mail; transferring; finding out how many embies took; hearing about the wonderful relationships that they have with their Intended Parents; delivering their surro babies.......I want all of that so badly. It is starting to get really tough for me as I cheer on the side lines of other friends' journeys when I want my own journey so badly. Don't get me wrong, I am over-the-moon happy for the ladies that I am privileged enough to call my surro-friends, but damn it, when is MY time going to come!? Who knew that it would take me this long to become a gestational surrogate? I certainly had no clue. I totally thought I would be matched immediately upon filling out my application, when was it, in July of last year!? I figured I'd be matched and pregnant in no time. Boy, was I so, so very wrong. Nothing ever comes easy in Surrogacy and man have I come to finally realize that. There always seems to be some sort of hoops that you have to jump through. There is always something that blind-sides you. Always.

Its tough answering people when they ask "So,whats new with your surrogacy adventure?". Questions like this make me want to crawl in a hole and hide until the person leaves. Or maybe if I close my eyes long enough they will think I fell asleep? Hmmm, I think I just might try that one. If you want to know "whats new" with my journey, then please follow my blog. I keep it pretty up-to-date with what I am able to share at the moment. My fight to be a gestational surrogate is far from over. I have never worked so hard for something in my life, and when I finally succeed (which I will very soon!!), it will be the sweetest and most beautiful thing. Ever. (Ok, well, second sweetest and most beautiful thing ever, next to my husband and two children.)

Surrogacy, so far, has taught me so much patients. To chill out and let things happen the way they are meant to. To let go of what I can not control and let God and the Universe, in its own time, reveal whats in store for me.

So this is me, officially letting go, and letting God. 

Checking in!!

It's almost been a month since my last post--sorry about that!! There's nothing really "new" to report just yet. BUT I am working on something though......so stay tuned!! ;)

In the meantime I am still very active in the surrogacy world. I have grown very close with a handful of surro friends online. We chat every day and keep up-to-date with each other's journey. I couldn't ask for a stronger support system--I am so, so blessed!!

This last month has been super exciting for me. So many "surrogacy" related things happening--I love it. I was asked by an Intended Mother friend (who lives close by) to meet up and surprise her Surrogate who was in town for a visit. I am friends with both ladies online so it was nice to finally meet the both of them. I am meeting up with the both of them again this weekend to spend time while "J" is on a 5 day bed rest following her (hopfully) Sunday transfer!

"F" and "J", I truly believe that "God Gave Me You'. You both are more special than you will ever know. I wish you all the very, very best in your upcoming transfer and I look forward to cheering you on on the side lines as you bring the little one(s) into this world.
Love, Andrea

Another Surro friend was flying into LA for her transfer and I got word that she was coming alone. Her family was unable to make it, and her IPs live out of the Country. I offered to be with her during the transfer and stay for the day to keep her company while on bed rest. It was an amazing experience being able to sit in the room with her for the transfer. I was honored to be there and so grateful that she asked me to be in the room with her.

"C", I wish you all the best with this transfer. My fingers are still crossed for you!! I'm so glad to have met you--it's like we've known each other since high school. I love our daily chats and so thankful to have you as my new friend.
Love, Andrea

Here is the goodie basket that I made for her to enjoy while

 on bedrest--complete with pregnancy tests!!

We played around with makeup and fake eye lashes - FUN!!

 

And ended the *fun times* with facial masks!!

Lastly, but certainly not least! One of my Dearest Surro Friends received confirmation that she is pregnant with her surro-baby(ies) (<--I call twins)!!! I am so excited and happy for her and her IFs (Intended Fathers). Best wishes to them all!! I'm hoping and praying that I am able to make it for the delivery!! (well, in the waiting room at least, haha!)

Amy, Amy, Amy--If only we lived closer, is all I have to say. ;)
Love ya, Girlfriend!!!

Well, that's my update!! Until next time--I promise not to go another month without posting. I think what is brewing in my "surrogacy pot" is going to get hot here pretty quickly, if ya know what i mean!! ;) Stay tuned!!

The Breakup

Oh wow. I don't even know where to begin. It's been about a month since my last post and there is a reason for that. We've hit a major bump in the road. A bump that has left me no longer matched with my IPs (Intended Parents). We've come so far and that is what hurts the most. I've had a really hard time these past few weeks. So emotional. So confused. Broken hearted. Scared. Angry. It totally sucks. And the hardest part--I can't talk about it to everyone. I can't blog about the specifics. If you know me, then you would know that I have a hard time keeping things to myself. But this--This I am not able to share. Not yet, at least.

I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. I may not know or understand WHY at this very moment, but I will some day. I pray that we can overcome this "obstacle" and move forward so that I can be rematched with another couple in the very near future. My heart and soul is set on being a gestational surrogate so I will keep fighting for my journey. My heart and soul is set on helping a couple bring a child into this world, so I will keep fighting. I will not give up. I want this so badly it hurts. It was taken from me so abruptly and I am was angry for that. I know God has another plan for me so I will trust in him. Knowing and remembering that this is in Gods hands is what gives me peace.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

The Surrogacy Rollercoaster

Hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait. UP and down, UP and down. Back and Forth, HIGH and low. All around and upside down. Oh the joys of the surrogacy roller coaster!

We'll we've sorta, kinda hit a hopefully small/minor set back in the medical screening process, but possibly big bump in the road. I can not go into details right now, but there are a few things that we need to take care of and hopefully within the next couple of weeks we'll be able to move forward with contracts. This is a good thing though. Waiting until after April to transfer means (hopefully) no chance of having a holiday season baby! Ideally, it would be nice to have a February baby, but that's just my way of convincing myself to keep my head up during this "down time".

The past few weeks have been tough for me. I seem to be in a long and drawn out waiting period. I was unofficially matched with my IPs back in November of 2010 and we are still waiting to sign contracts. I wish I would have been more prepared for this. I think the unknown is what gets me. I have no clue when the next step will take place. So, I sit here and wait. Not fun. I have all of this love and joy to give, so sitting here and waiting for the next step makes me super antsy and anxious. I've been keeping busy trying to distract myself by chatting on a daily basis with my surrogate friends. They are an awesome set of ladies and so very supportive (you know who you are!!)! It's nice to talk with woman who know and understand EXACTLY what you are going through and know the perfect things to say to make you feel a little better. I love following their journey's too. Surrogacy is such a beautiful thing.

Well, that's my update for now. I'm in a frumpy mood, so I'm headed to dinner with a friend to help cheer me up. Beer and wings....MmmMmm!!