Saturday, September 6, 2014

Love at First Read

Where it all began.

January 3, 2013. The day I read this open letter that ultimately started the beginning of surrogacy #2 for me.

Less than 5 years ago I couldn't have dreamt of writing this letter to you.  I wasn’t out of the closet.  I wasn’t dating men.  I wasn't open and honest with myself, my family, or my friends about who I really was.  I was in complete and utter denial.  I couldn't be gay, I just couldn’t.  I wanted what all my buddies had: a wife and kids.  Accepting the fact I was gay meant I couldn't have a family.  Or could I?

Less than 5 years ago I thought my life was close to perfect.  I owned my own home.  I had a great job.  I had all the close friendships one could hope for.  I was also dating women but I always found something wrong with each one.  My parents would joke each date was another Seinfeld episode.  This one’s hands were too big.  Another depended on how the lighting was hitting her face.  I never clicked with any of them.  I couldn’t be gay, I just couldn’t.  I wanted a family of my own.  I wanted my kids to be biologically related to me and my spouse.  Accepting the fact I was gay meant I couldn’t have a family.  Or could I?

Less than 5 years ago I went on to and changed my match from “men looking for women” to “men looking for men”.  I had done this switch before just to browse but I never acted on it.  This time I logged on and saw Allen’s profile, a profile I had seen multiple times over the years.  The first picture was him smiling, arms in the air, he looked so happy.  The next photo he was smiling, holding a puppy, he looked so happy.  On and on each picture he was smiling and he looked so happy.  And handsome!  Did I mention how hot and handsome he was!  I couldn’t be gay, I just couldn’t.  I couldn’t contact him.  Or could I?

I clicked the button and sent him a wink.

Clicking that button and sending Allen a wink was the beginning of the rest of my life.  Clicking that button confirmed my fears that I was gay.  Clicking that button made me sick to my stomach.  What if he didn’t respond?  And why wouldn’t he respond!  I’m a catch!  OMG.  Why did I click that button!  I couldn’t be gay, I just couldn’t.  Or could I?

Allen went to work the next day and logged into to cancel his account. He saw he had a pending wink from a really attractive, handsome, sexy, (I could go on) guy.  He wrote me back asking to meet.  We met the next day and nearly each day thereafter.  On our first date we even discussed having kids, it was a requirement for both of us.  We both wanted to be dads.  We became inseparable and I instantly fell in love with him.  I had never felt this way about anyone, ever.  But how could I fall in love with a man?  I couldn’t be gay, I just couldn’t.  I am.  I definitely am.

Less than 5 years ago I couldn’t have dreamt of writing this letter to you.  Yet now I wake up every morning thinking about you.  You’re the topic of conversation during breakfast.  You’re the topic of conversation around the water cooler at work.  You’re the topic of conversation at dinner.  You’re the topic of conversation as we crawl into bed each night.  But who are you?

We know who you are.  You’re an incredibly strong woman with an unbelievably huge heart.  You’re kind, caring, considerate, and loving.  Unlike me 5 years ago, you always knew I could have a family.  (I just wish you would have told me sooner!)  You may not have been at our wedding but you’ll be there at the start of our family.  You’re accepting of the GLBT community and believe in marriage equality.

You too have dreams of the family you’re going to help start.  You dream they are deserving of a child but they just need some help in making it happen.  You dream they have an incredible support system of family and friends excited to meet you and thank you.  You dream you’ve been searching for the ideal IP’s, a happily married couple who will provide undying love and undivided attention to the bundle of joy you help bring into this world. 

We can’t wait to meet you so all of our dreams can come true.

R + A

Tears filled my eyes while I read the letter over and over again. It touched me so deeply that I knew in my heart I was meant to be Robbie and Allen's surrogate. I felt as though their open letter to their surro-to-be was speaking directly to me and only me. I felt compelled to reach out to Robbie and Allen so I left a short and sweet comment on their blog post.

"So here's my blog me maybe?"

Two weeks later we met each other in person to discuss the ins and outs of surrogacy. One year and six months after that a modern family was created. And I was the lucky gal to help make this happen.